Motherhood, Motivation, Madness.

If you are a writer type you understand the sudden urge to just let it out… even if you don’t know what “it” is. It has been a while since I’ve written anything more than notes, research papers, or to-do lists. My creativity has been non-existent. I can’t even find the motivation to journal. It has been an entire month since I used my beautiful Desire Map planner that JoAnna sent me, and even longer since I used it to its fullest potential. I plan to get back on track this week, but who knows if that will happen. I feel like somewhere in the madness of motherhood, school, work, attempting to prepare somewhat healthy meals, and maintaining a home that still somehow looks like the aftermath of a hurricane, I have lost myself. Like, I do not know who I am anymore. Why am I even in school? Why, exactly, have I decided that my kid can’t have dinosaur chicken nuggets for every meal? Where did this unibrow come from? And when was the last time I wore a real bra?

Seriously, this shit is hard. And I feel so alone in it. I know I have people who love me. I know that I am supported. I know I’m a good mom. But still, it’s hard to only ever see my loved ones with the same frozen expression on a screen. Of course, I have Ant to love and cuddle. But, I can’t vent to him. I can’t cry with him. That’s too much weight for a toddler.

And somewhere in this mess I’m supposed to take care of my own physical and emotional well-being. Yet, I cannot find the time or energy. And I’m so fucking sick of the you can do it!‘s, and the it’s not impossible!‘s, and the you just have to make time for you!‘s. Though well intended, those are not helpful. And honesty I’m calling bullshit on all you moms who somehow go to work, make healthy dinners, work out, socialize, keep a clean house, and have any patience left over for your children.  I’ve come to peace with the fact that I will not be able to take my fitness seriously until I am done with school. I was doing it for a while- the working out five or more times a week. For an entire month I actually got up at 4 am , did my 21 Day Fix workout, went to a boot camp class at 5:30, then was at work by 8. That was when I only worked about 25 hours a week. Now that I’m up to anywhere from 32-40 hours per week (not including the random date-night babysitting I do), it is not possible. Some how, though, I need to find a way to manage my depression. I know that I really do need to exercise, but I honestly do not have time to work out as much as I should. But I guess it’s better to work out a couple of times a week than not at all.

It’s really just a vicious cycle, depression. I can’t seem to ever get my life in order. At this point I would kill for a manic episode. Really. It has been so long. I have been depressed for months with no end in sight. Every day. At least now that I have been in therapy and learned about my illness I can manage and channel my manic episodes.

The beauty in all of this is that I really am happy and healthy. And it’s not that I have accepted that I will always be depressed. And yes, you CAN be depressed and happy at the same time. It comes in waves, for sure. Most of the day I don’t have time to be depressed. My job requires me to constantly be moving, redirecting, dancing, singing. And how can you not when you have three sweet little ones to entertain all day? Yah, it’s hard. It’s incredibly stressful at times. But its happy work. I do love being a nanny. But sometimes when they’ve all finally fallen asleep and I am alone with my reality it hits me, and I am reminded that there is so much more inner work to be done.

One of the things I have been working on lately is staying present. Anyone with anxiety knows how hard this is. It’s hard for anyone, really. When I’m at work I’m thinking about all the school work I need to do. When I’m doing school work, I’m beating myself up for not taking Ant to the park when I said I would. When I’m making dinner I’m thinking about the after-dinner mess I will need to clean up. This makes it really hard to enjoy my life. At Ariel’s wedding a couple of weekends ago I had to keep telling myself not to worry about all the things I was putting off and to just have fun. And I did! It was the first time in a while that I was able to just let go. I wish I could do that daily. I will always be an obsessive organizer and planner. That’s just me and its honestly what keeps me sane. But, what is the point of panning and organizing if you can’t enjoy the things you’ve planned and organized, right.

Anyway. I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this and it’s time for bed. Maybe tomorrow I will figure out how to not be a hot mess.


2 thoughts on “Motherhood, Motivation, Madness.

  1. I have been wondering where this blog had gone! oddly enough this showed up today in my inbox and i took the time to read your post. I remember when you first had your baby and he was so sick, your post made me cry remembering how hard it is when they are little and not know what the hell you are doing. Look at how far you have come! How much you have learned and how good of a mother you are. Always keep that in the back of your mind.

    Now this post, reading your words makes me feel right where you are all over again. My kids are now 6 and 4 but i can remember saying the same thing you are. Luckily i had a close mom friend who was honest and we could talk opening about things with each other. No mother has it together. I will be the first to admit this shit it hard, and dirty, and real. Its take 100% all the time even if you don’t have it to give. Anyone who pretends they are on it all the time are fakein it. I do believe some women and men are better parents, not sure what the factors are system, personality…??, but i came to terms with my “good enough” parenting many many years ago, i think when my second was born and i struggled with anxiety and depression. Through my acceptance with “good enough” i learned i am a struggling perfectionist and I was harming myself and even my kids with trying to be everything for everyone. I wish I could say I found the right answer and it’s so easy with a 6 and 4 year old but then I would be fakin it. Truthfully, there are times you just have to be ok with “good enough” and slop through it, at least for me. I am a stay at home mom and I run a business out of my house, so I do not have to work out of my house and my work load could be so much worse but I do struggle with these issues still! I find the only way I can make “me” time is if I make a point to schedule it. For me, it’s a bath. A 45 min bath. Sometimes it’s a 15 mins bath. The point is I know this time is for me and me only, how ever small it is. Make a date and keep it, you might also look into mediation (I know I know, I rolled my eyes too) during the day for 10 mins. This really helps me down shift and stop spinning my wheels and wasting my energy .

    Know that this is hard, and its ok. No one is perfect and there are days I wonder how the heck I ended up doing what I am doing. BUT (brace yourself here comes the sappiness) I know that one day soon both my kids will be in school, I can go back to work or focus on my business, and I will never get that time back…nor will I ever regret the sacrifice I have made to be a stay at home mom/parent/etc… Soon enough it will be me and my husband and a few cats. I will ache for when they were little. I know this means nothing in the moment of a toddler tantrum and you wish for those days. But let yourself rest in knowing you are doing the best you can and its ok to be “ok”. This gets easier and harder all at the same time, i am sending you my peaceful calm vibes from Texas. I hope this phase will soon end for you and a new on can begin.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ashley,

    Thank you so, so much for your kind words, and for taking the time to read this. Yes, its been a while since any of us have written on here. I need to start writing more. It has helped me work through some though shit.

    Your comments always help me to put things into perspective, and I appreciate it. I’m sure you had your work cut out for you when your kids were toddlers, being that close in age. Its reassuring to here that you came out of it knowing that you were enough.

    I have tried meditating in the past but its hard for me. Normally I use reading or cleaning to ground myself. I would like to get better at meditating, for sure.


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