If you are a writer type you understand the sudden urge to just let it out… even if you don’t know what “it” is. It has been a while since I’ve written anything more than notes, research papers, or to-do lists. My creativity has been non-existent. I can’t even find the motivation to journal. It has been an entire month since I used my beautiful Desire Map planner that JoAnna sent me, and even longer since I used it to its fullest potential. I plan to get back on track this week, but who knows if that will happen. I feel like somewhere in the madness of motherhood, school, work, attempting to prepare somewhat healthy meals, and maintaining a home that still somehow looks like the aftermath of a hurricane, I have lost myself. Like, I do not know who I am anymore. Why am I even in school? Why, exactly, have I decided that my kid can’t have dinosaur chicken nuggets for every meal? Where did this unibrow come from? And when was the last time I wore a real bra?
Seriously, this shit is hard. And I feel so alone in it. I know I have people who love me. I know that I am supported. I know I’m a good mom. But still, it’s hard to only ever see my loved ones with the same frozen expression on a screen. Of course, I have Ant to love and cuddle. But, I can’t vent to him. I can’t cry with him. That’s too much weight for a toddler.
And somewhere in this mess I’m supposed to take care of my own physical and emotional well-being. Yet, I cannot find the time or energy. And I’m so fucking sick of the you can do it!‘s, and the it’s not impossible!‘s, and the you just have to make time for you!‘s. Though well intended, those are not helpful. And honesty I’m calling bullshit on all you moms who somehow go to work, make healthy dinners, work out, socialize, keep a clean house, and have any patience left over for your children. I’ve come to peace with the fact that I will not be able to take my fitness seriously until I am done with school. I was doing it for a while- the working out five or more times a week. For an entire month I actually got up at 4 am , did my 21 Day Fix workout, went to a boot camp class at 5:30, then was at work by 8. That was when I only worked about 25 hours a week. Now that I’m up to anywhere from 32-40 hours per week (not including the random date-night babysitting I do), it is not possible. Some how, though, I need to find a way to manage my depression. I know that I really do need to exercise, but I honestly do not have time to work out as much as I should. But I guess it’s better to work out a couple of times a week than not at all.
It’s really just a vicious cycle, depression. I can’t seem to ever get my life in order. At this point I would kill for a manic episode. Really. It has been so long. I have been depressed for months with no end in sight. Every day. At least now that I have been in therapy and learned about my illness I can manage and channel my manic episodes.
The beauty in all of this is that I really am happy and healthy. And it’s not that I have accepted that I will always be depressed. And yes, you CAN be depressed and happy at the same time. It comes in waves, for sure. Most of the day I don’t have time to be depressed. My job requires me to constantly be moving, redirecting, dancing, singing. And how can you not when you have three sweet little ones to entertain all day? Yah, it’s hard. It’s incredibly stressful at times. But its happy work. I do love being a nanny. But sometimes when they’ve all finally fallen asleep and I am alone with my reality it hits me, and I am reminded that there is so much more inner work to be done.
One of the things I have been working on lately is staying present. Anyone with anxiety knows how hard this is. It’s hard for anyone, really. When I’m at work I’m thinking about all the school work I need to do. When I’m doing school work, I’m beating myself up for not taking Ant to the park when I said I would. When I’m making dinner I’m thinking about the after-dinner mess I will need to clean up. This makes it really hard to enjoy my life. At Ariel’s wedding a couple of weekends ago I had to keep telling myself not to worry about all the things I was putting off and to just have fun. And I did! It was the first time in a while that I was able to just let go. I wish I could do that daily. I will always be an obsessive organizer and planner. That’s just me and its honestly what keeps me sane. But, what is the point of panning and organizing if you can’t enjoy the things you’ve planned and organized, right.
Anyway. I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this and it’s time for bed. Maybe tomorrow I will figure out how to not be a hot mess.