Motherhood, Motivation, Madness.

If you are a writer type you understand the sudden urge to just let it out… even if you don’t know what “it” is. It has been a while since I’ve written anything more than notes, research papers, or to-do lists. My creativity has been non-existent. I can’t even find the motivation to journal. It has been an entire month since I used my beautiful Desire Map planner that JoAnna sent me, and even longer since I used it to its fullest potential. I plan to get back on track this week, but who knows if that will happen. I feel like somewhere in the madness of motherhood, school, work, attempting to prepare somewhat healthy meals, and maintaining a home that still somehow looks like the aftermath of a hurricane, I have lost myself. Like, I do not know who I am anymore. Why am I even in school? Why, exactly, have I decided that my kid can’t have dinosaur chicken nuggets for every meal? Where did this unibrow come from? And when was the last time I wore a real bra?

Seriously, this shit is hard. And I feel so alone in it. I know I have people who love me. I know that I am supported. I know I’m a good mom. But still, it’s hard to only ever see my loved ones with the same frozen expression on a screen. Of course, I have Ant to love and cuddle. But, I can’t vent to him. I can’t cry with him. That’s too much weight for a toddler.

And somewhere in this mess I’m supposed to take care of my own physical and emotional well-being. Yet, I cannot find the time or energy. And I’m so fucking sick of the you can do it!‘s, and the it’s not impossible!‘s, and the you just have to make time for you!‘s. Though well intended, those are not helpful. And honesty I’m calling bullshit on all you moms who somehow go to work, make healthy dinners, work out, socialize, keep a clean house, and have any patience left over for your children.  I’ve come to peace with the fact that I will not be able to take my fitness seriously until I am done with school. I was doing it for a while- the working out five or more times a week. For an entire month I actually got up at 4 am , did my 21 Day Fix workout, went to a boot camp class at 5:30, then was at work by 8. That was when I only worked about 25 hours a week. Now that I’m up to anywhere from 32-40 hours per week (not including the random date-night babysitting I do), it is not possible. Some how, though, I need to find a way to manage my depression. I know that I really do need to exercise, but I honestly do not have time to work out as much as I should. But I guess it’s better to work out a couple of times a week than not at all.

It’s really just a vicious cycle, depression. I can’t seem to ever get my life in order. At this point I would kill for a manic episode. Really. It has been so long. I have been depressed for months with no end in sight. Every day. At least now that I have been in therapy and learned about my illness I can manage and channel my manic episodes.

The beauty in all of this is that I really am happy and healthy. And it’s not that I have accepted that I will always be depressed. And yes, you CAN be depressed and happy at the same time. It comes in waves, for sure. Most of the day I don’t have time to be depressed. My job requires me to constantly be moving, redirecting, dancing, singing. And how can you not when you have three sweet little ones to entertain all day? Yah, it’s hard. It’s incredibly stressful at times. But its happy work. I do love being a nanny. But sometimes when they’ve all finally fallen asleep and I am alone with my reality it hits me, and I am reminded that there is so much more inner work to be done.

One of the things I have been working on lately is staying present. Anyone with anxiety knows how hard this is. It’s hard for anyone, really. When I’m at work I’m thinking about all the school work I need to do. When I’m doing school work, I’m beating myself up for not taking Ant to the park when I said I would. When I’m making dinner I’m thinking about the after-dinner mess I will need to clean up. This makes it really hard to enjoy my life. At Ariel’s wedding a couple of weekends ago I had to keep telling myself not to worry about all the things I was putting off and to just have fun. And I did! It was the first time in a while that I was able to just let go. I wish I could do that daily. I will always be an obsessive organizer and planner. That’s just me and its honestly what keeps me sane. But, what is the point of panning and organizing if you can’t enjoy the things you’ve planned and organized, right.

Anyway. I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this and it’s time for bed. Maybe tomorrow I will figure out how to not be a hot mess.

 

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Getting Into a Healthy Routine

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Photo Credit: PopSugar Fitness

Like most women, I’m my own worst critic. So while most (if not all) of the people I’ve come into contact with over the last year and a half would argue that I’m healthy – or even fit – I haven’t been too happy with my appearance for a while. Since moving to North Carolina in August of 2013, my weight has done some pretty serious yo-yoing. I gained a whopping 20 lbs, lost a bit, gained a bit back, lost some more. It has put my self-esteem on a bit of an emotional roller coaster, so I decided that it’s finally time to stop being lazy and really do something about it.  Continue reading

Review | Ariel’s January ’15 Birchbox

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A Thrifty Bitch New Year’s Resolution

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Across the nation people are buying new gym memberships and tossing out their Christmas candy. We all know what this means, as we roll over the day after December 31st, hung over, covered in confetti, and parched –  It’s resolution time. Happy New Year!

We Thrifty Bitches would love to share our New Year’s resolutions with you all in hopes that you’ll share yours, too!  Continue reading

How to Manage Your PCOS

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Review | Bulu Box (& Get 2 Free Boxes!)


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We all know I’m a fan of subscription boxes, so I was excited to learn about Bulu Box and try one out! For anyone out there who has getting fit and healthy as a New Year’s resolution, this would be a great (and affordable) gift to yourself! I love the idea of using a subscription box service to help you stay motivated toward your long-term fitness goals! Continue reading

Handling Weeds Without Harmful Herbicides

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If you watch TV you’ve seen the Roundup commercials featuring giddy men reciting a cheesy jingle while spraying chemicals on their drive ways and yards, all in the name of beauty. These commercials make weeds out to be the teenage acne of our lawns, and herbicides to be the cure-all for these “ugly” blemishes. Americans spend millions on herbicides each year, but what is it that makes us feel we need to do so? Who decided that weeds were not allowed in our yards? And what can we do to remove and prevent weeds in a safe way? Continue reading

Mental Illness and Pregnancy

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Its almost 3 pm and I have been cleaning for four hours in preparation of the diaper party my boyfriend and I are throwing for ourselves. I’m 31 weeks pregnant. I take a break and put on some Eisley. Of course, the first song that plays is the anthem to the last year of my life. Its funny how a lyric can give you the confidence to push forward. As I listen to Smarter, I wonder how I got from an attempted suicide just last year to being a soon-to-be mama with such fluidity. My past sometimes makes me question my ability to be a parent. How can someone who once cared so little about herself decide to take on the task of creating new life? How can a woman who, since age 13, has struggled with depression, anxiety, panic disorder, insomnia and body dismorphia have a healthy pregnancy? My answer is complicated. Continue reading

9 Things All Newly Pregnant Women Should Know

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Every one has pregnancy advice, even people who have never been pregnant. Sometimes the advice is completely unwarranted and stupid. Sometimes its really useful. I got a lot of really great advice when I first found out that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I either brushed off a lot of it or simply did not comprehend it. Here are a few things any pregnant woman needs to know:

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5 Reasons to Start Gardening Now

20140805_001312 This entry is for the people who keep telling themselves “I’d like to grow my own food one day” or imagine themselves as the growers of prize-winning rose bushes, but never actually do those things. If you have been contemplating a decision to dabble in some gardening but think you have better things to do, I can give you five reasons to start dabbling right now. Continue reading