Motherhood, Motivation, Madness.

If you are a writer type you understand the sudden urge to just let it out… even if you don’t know what “it” is. It has been a while since I’ve written anything more than notes, research papers, or to-do lists. My creativity has been non-existent. I can’t even find the motivation to journal. It has been an entire month since I used my beautiful Desire Map planner that JoAnna sent me, and even longer since I used it to its fullest potential. I plan to get back on track this week, but who knows if that will happen. I feel like somewhere in the madness of motherhood, school, work, attempting to prepare somewhat healthy meals, and maintaining a home that still somehow looks like the aftermath of a hurricane, I have lost myself. Like, I do not know who I am anymore. Why am I even in school? Why, exactly, have I decided that my kid can’t have dinosaur chicken nuggets for every meal? Where did this unibrow come from? And when was the last time I wore a real bra?

Seriously, this shit is hard. And I feel so alone in it. I know I have people who love me. I know that I am supported. I know I’m a good mom. But still, it’s hard to only ever see my loved ones with the same frozen expression on a screen. Of course, I have Ant to love and cuddle. But, I can’t vent to him. I can’t cry with him. That’s too much weight for a toddler.

And somewhere in this mess I’m supposed to take care of my own physical and emotional well-being. Yet, I cannot find the time or energy. And I’m so fucking sick of the you can do it!‘s, and the it’s not impossible!‘s, and the you just have to make time for you!‘s. Though well intended, those are not helpful. And honesty I’m calling bullshit on all you moms who somehow go to work, make healthy dinners, work out, socialize, keep a clean house, and have any patience left over for your children.  I’ve come to peace with the fact that I will not be able to take my fitness seriously until I am done with school. I was doing it for a while- the working out five or more times a week. For an entire month I actually got up at 4 am , did my 21 Day Fix workout, went to a boot camp class at 5:30, then was at work by 8. That was when I only worked about 25 hours a week. Now that I’m up to anywhere from 32-40 hours per week (not including the random date-night babysitting I do), it is not possible. Some how, though, I need to find a way to manage my depression. I know that I really do need to exercise, but I honestly do not have time to work out as much as I should. But I guess it’s better to work out a couple of times a week than not at all.

It’s really just a vicious cycle, depression. I can’t seem to ever get my life in order. At this point I would kill for a manic episode. Really. It has been so long. I have been depressed for months with no end in sight. Every day. At least now that I have been in therapy and learned about my illness I can manage and channel my manic episodes.

The beauty in all of this is that I really am happy and healthy. And it’s not that I have accepted that I will always be depressed. And yes, you CAN be depressed and happy at the same time. It comes in waves, for sure. Most of the day I don’t have time to be depressed. My job requires me to constantly be moving, redirecting, dancing, singing. And how can you not when you have three sweet little ones to entertain all day? Yah, it’s hard. It’s incredibly stressful at times. But its happy work. I do love being a nanny. But sometimes when they’ve all finally fallen asleep and I am alone with my reality it hits me, and I am reminded that there is so much more inner work to be done.

One of the things I have been working on lately is staying present. Anyone with anxiety knows how hard this is. It’s hard for anyone, really. When I’m at work I’m thinking about all the school work I need to do. When I’m doing school work, I’m beating myself up for not taking Ant to the park when I said I would. When I’m making dinner I’m thinking about the after-dinner mess I will need to clean up. This makes it really hard to enjoy my life. At Ariel’s wedding a couple of weekends ago I had to keep telling myself not to worry about all the things I was putting off and to just have fun. And I did! It was the first time in a while that I was able to just let go. I wish I could do that daily. I will always be an obsessive organizer and planner. That’s just me and its honestly what keeps me sane. But, what is the point of panning and organizing if you can’t enjoy the things you’ve planned and organized, right.

Anyway. I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this and it’s time for bed. Maybe tomorrow I will figure out how to not be a hot mess.

 

Decoterie Box [Launching 07/15]

featDesign freaks, home goods addicts, and lifestyle product lovers unite! I want to tell you about a brand new subscription box that is launching this month that looks AMAZING. It’s called Decoterie; it’s quarterly and consists of high-end, limited edition products that are hand-curated by the beautiful Letitia Elizabeth. Seriously, just take one look at her personal design site and tell me you don’t want a box of goodies that she picked out! Oh, and don’t miss out on a special discount (read on for details).

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This Bright Cellars Shipment = THIRTEEN Bottles of Wine

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It’s been a bit since I’ve posted anything here – life takes over sometimes! But, I just had to post about this because it’s too awesome not to share. Thanks to all of our lovely readers who have subscribed to Bright Cellars using my referral link, this month’s shipment had 13 bottlesContinue reading

Getting Into a Healthy Routine

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Photo Credit: PopSugar Fitness

Like most women, I’m my own worst critic. So while most (if not all) of the people I’ve come into contact with over the last year and a half would argue that I’m healthy – or even fit – I haven’t been too happy with my appearance for a while. Since moving to North Carolina in August of 2013, my weight has done some pretty serious yo-yoing. I gained a whopping 20 lbs, lost a bit, gained a bit back, lost some more. It has put my self-esteem on a bit of an emotional roller coaster, so I decided that it’s finally time to stop being lazy and really do something about it.  Continue reading

Review | CardNest Greeting Card Subscription & 50% Off!

3 Cards Version 1

We’re so excited to finally be sharing CardNest with all of you! This has been in the making for a few months now, but between recent moves, the holidays, work, and two mishaps with the post office, it’s been put on hold. Well, today’s the day! Everyone – meet CardNest, a UK-based greeting card subscription service that helps you keep in touch with your loved ones in an extra special way.  Continue reading

Deal Alert! Buy 3, Get 3 Free at The Body Shop

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I just can’t tell you enough how much I love the skincare products at The Body Shop. As someone who has struggled with excessively oily skin for years, I’ve never had such amazing results with any other products as I have with The Body Shop’s Tea Tree Oil and Seaweed lines. In fact, the only skincare products that I consistently use and re-purchase are from TBS, so I couldn’t resist when I found out that they were having a Buy 3, Get 3 Free sale.  Continue reading

Review | Ariel’s January ’15 Birchbox

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Yes, that’s right! It’s the special time of year when I get to review my first Birchbox. The New Year brings great resolutions and you know that many people are choosing to get healthier! That is one reason why I chose the Tone It Up box. Continue reading

Review | Subscript Decor (New Subscription Service!)

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I’m a huge fan of all things beautiful, especially as it relates to home goods. Seriously. If I had it my way, my life would look like a Pinterest board! For the last few months, I’ve been putting a lot of effort into beautifying my living room (and MAN, did it need it). So, you can only imagine how happy I was when I found out about Subscript Decor!  Continue reading

Review | Blueberry Cove Beads & a Giveaway!

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There have been a lot of new subscription box companies popping up lately and I’ve been having so much fun learning about them! Blueberry Cove Beads was no exception. This unique subscription box is perfect for the crafters and jewelry-makers – sending you an assortment of themed beads each month (along with a design challenge)! Read on to learn more about BCB and find out how you can win a free 3-month subscription!

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Review | ScentBird Perfume Subscription

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I’ve been on the prowl for a new scent for some time now, so I was excited to learn about ScentBird, a perfume subscription company that allows you to test out high-end perfumes for just $15/month! Read on to find out which scent I picked and learn how you can find your new signature scent!  Continue reading